I’ve been thinking about my anxiety and depression a lot lately, especially since I had a pretty great run without too many issues until this week. Panic attacks, mixed with low motivation, can really screw with your system. I haven’t been able to sleep at night, but I haven’t been able to stay awake during the day.
One of the things that keeps me from completely burrowing into the abyss is the thought that maybe my trials are not for me. Maybe there is someone out there who needs to know that they aren’t alone. I know I need to know that.
I’ve always had fears about not being good enough, so when I feel the fog of depression setting in it is easier to drift into worry and anxiety about being useful as a person. I eventually end up sleeping so I can shut my mind off and stop thinking about whatever it is that was plaguing me.
Depression is hard. Anxiety is hard. Being an adult is hard. Being a human being is hard. Being a woman is hard.
You want to know what’s not hard? Feeling God’s love. At least when you have done your part to let him influence you. If there is one thing that has been constant in all of this pain, it’s that my Heavenly Father loves me. It’s a kind of love that I don’t think I fully understand, but I feel it. It’s the one thing that can shatter the wall of anxiety and remind me that I am worth so much more than what my mental illness tries to tell me. I’m struggling, but I’m FIGHTING. There are days that I have to let go and allow myself to rest from life, but I am not giving up.
I guess what I mean by all this is that I know I’m going to be okay, even when I’m not. Panic attacks happen. Depression clouds my mind sometimes. But I’m still making it. I’ve made it this far in life and I’m not ready to be done. And maybe one day my story will be able to inspire someone else who has to deal with depression and anxiety, or some other mental or physical illness. My story matters. My LIFE matters.
Friends, if you only get one thing from this, know that struggling means you are still fighting. We’ll both get through the dark days. If we focus on our small success (and the big ones when they come), we’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least be able to have faith that we will see that light at some point. We just have to keep moving forward.