Things haven’t been easy this summer. Starting with getting mega sick, to having that car accident, then having to deal with PTSD along with various other health issues, job searching, freaking out about life in general, and now to getting ready for school to start back up on Monday.
It’s more than safe to say that I’ve been through the ringer more than once. My anxiety has been awful and has affected my life in more ways than I ever imagined it could. I even went through a pretty bad spell of depression and kind of had an identity crisis. Heck, I even DYED MY HAIR BLACK.
I mean, WHAT on EARTH was I thinking??? I’m glad it didn’t turn green, like a certain fictional redhead I am fond of, but it was definitely NOT me. Most of the dye is gone now-thanks to “Oops,” this magical stuff that gets the coloring out of your hair without damaging the color under it-but my red hair is still darker than normal. It’s like a DEEP red. I can deal with that, but I sure will be happy once my hair is back to MY hair.
BUT! That’s not why you came to read this post! Obviously, this post is about heading back to BYU for this fall semester. I still have this year, an internship, and one more semester next year to get through before graduating college (WHAT?? I know, right?), but I kinda was really worried about going back to classes after all of the crazy stuff I’ve been through this summer. Thankfully, that worry has changed to excitement!
I picked up my textbooks yesterday afternoon and I found myself really excited for homework. Like, it made me WANT to open my textbooks and start doing assignments and stuff! If you knew me when I was younger, this may not come as much of a surprise for you. I used to love the excitement of school and learning and getting those beautiful A’s on my work. I THRIVED on it! (Man, I’m using a TON of capitalization. Sorry, reader.) My GPA in high school was a solid 3.9. My first term at BYU, I got a 4.0! And then it started going down hill, depression and anxiety got to me, family life was less than perfect (see post regarding my former grandmother), and I started focusing more on Netflix and trying to be popular among people in my classes; I wanted to be the socialite. I didn’t want to be the “smart girl” or the “beautiful girl” or the “teacher’s pet.” I wanted my peers to like me. I wanted to be the one that EVERYONE was jealous of or the one that everyone liked and that the guys liked me back. Over the last 4 years of my life, I slowly morphed into somebody that I didn’t even recognize anymore. To the point that I got rid of the ONE thing that I absolutely knew to be my favorite thing about myself-my hair color. To say that it was a wake-up call is an understatement.
Today I can tell you that I am not going to let myself be whatever it was I decided I had to be. I am going to be me. I am going to put the crud behind me and I’m going to remember who I am and why I came to school in the first place. I am going to get a bachelor’s degree in communications. I am going to start happening to life instead of allowing it to happen to me.
There is a little irony that I’m living in the same home I lived in when I first came to Utah. Some things are still the same as they were, but so much more is different. My experiences have shaped me and even though I’m not proud of how I let myself get lost in stupid things, I am grateful for them. I have met some wonderful people and I am so blessed to have so many people who have loved and cared for me this whole time.
I have finally made the decision that growing up isn’t horrible. It’s difficult, but not impossible. And today I feel like I need to stand up to myself and say that I’m not going to give up. I have made it this far and I KNOW I can make a difference in my own life. School may have gotten hard. Anxiety might be a (insert rude word) and will surely continue to plague me. Statistics this next semester may make me scream, cry, and want to run away to home, or to get a cat, or to simply burn my homework. All these things and more are still true. I can’t get away from things that I cannot control. However, I’m going to put in all the effort I can.
I am smart. I am beautiful. I am usually the teacher’s pet. I am so much more than I even know about. My potential is endless and I am finally in a place where I am no longer afraid to be me. I am a Princess and I am proud of it. I might be a nerdy princess, but I am definitely loyal to the royal in me. Life is hard. Finding a way to love myself in spite of that? Well, it sounds a lot better than the alternative.
I’m going to continue blogging this semester. I need the outlet. I want and deserve to be heard.