When nothing turns into something
Lately I’ve been having trouble with inspiration. It seems like I’ll grasp the tail end of something great, only to lose it the next second.
There must have been three or four different blog topics I’ve started over the last month, but haven’t finished. I also have a few other ideas milling around that I’m not quite sure what to do with.
Lately it seems like I just want to keep starting things, but the motivation to complete them falls short, or I want to start something and just don’t know what it is I want to start.
Like today’s post. I honestly have no idea where this is going, I just feel the need to write and express myself.
So maybe my problem isn’t lack of inspiration at all? Maybe there’s a story somewhere inside of me that I just haven’t been able to pull out of me?
I’ve been thinking a lot about change the last few weeks-what makes it happen, what forces movement to stop, why I haven’t felt like much is moving in my life. I feel like something is coming, but I’m not sure what it could be or what exactly that means. I’m not lost, but I’m not exactly found, either.
I’ve enjoyed working on my YouTube channel, even though my content isn’t super high quality. I love singing and I want to do more of it and share it with the world, but I’m not sure if I’m as good as I think I am, or if I’m just kidding myself and sharing something no one wants to hear. It scares me to think that what I’m doing isn’t making an impact or that it’s not being listened to.
One of my fears is being ignored. Silly as it may sound, it really is my biggest fear. I like being listened to, even if what I have to say isn’t the most profound, or even useful. My best friends are the one I can talk to about nothing and they’ll still hear me out.
I think that’s why I’m on Twitter, because I want to be heard. My Twitter account seems to be a desperate attempt for me to share my voice in 140 characters, hoping someone, somewhere in my 237 followers are actually listening. It’s definitely why I blog.
There was a voice production class I took as part of my theatre experience that had us explore some things I (admittedly) thought were hoopla at first, but really affected me in ways I’m still trying to figure out. One of those was an activity where we had to stand in front of everyone and ask people to look at us. or not. And to tell if we want to be heard or not. I remember tears streaming down my face as I said how much I desperately wanted to be heard. My goodness, I’m kinda getting emotional just thinking about that day.
We all have fears. A few of mine include heights and spiders. But I think there’s always that one fear we have that we never talk about, because it makes us vulnerable. It doesn’t matter exactly what it is, but for me it happens to be being ignored. I want to be noticed.
Maybe that’s a self-absorbed way of thinking of things. Maybe I am an attention seeker and that’s just something I’ve got to deal with. Maybe I’m just one voice, crying out against billions of other voices, wanting to be heard by one person I don’t even know is out there listening.
Maybe I say the word maybe a little too much.
So, there it is. I guess I just needed to talk. If you’re still listening, thank you. Sincerely. You’ll never know how much it means to be heard, even when you just talk about nothing.
I think more people feel that way than admit, but it’s not just human. It’s spiritual. I’ve felt that way often too, and I have known that if I could feel spiritually full all the time I wouldn’t care about how a post or a project does, but it seems like part of mortality involves sometimes feeling that loneliness. I feel for you. And I feel like you, often, too.
Savannah M. Hawkins
Thank you! It always helps to know you aren’t alone.