Reflecting on the now
It’s been difficult for me to admit, but I’ve been feeling lost since I finished my last semester of classes. I think the lost feeling probably started before then, but it’s been my reality for the last 7.5 months. I’ve been feeling inadequate and like a failure because of my severe anxiety and depression and because I didn’t have a plan of what I wanted to do.
I felt defeated because I had to come home. I didn’t have a place to continue staying in Utah until I found a decent paying “real world” job and I didn’t have the money to start renting an apartment on my own.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and it wasn’t the thought of living with them that made me feel like a failure. It was the not having any other options that bugged me.
What I didn’t expect was the amount of time it was going to take me to heal from all of the stress and pain I was struggling with at school. It took everything I had and then some for me to get through my final semester. Pretty much the only things that could keep me from staying in my bed 24/7 were the environment at my student job at The Daily Universe and my best friends. My classes were hard and my heart wasn’t in them.
I kind of shattered when I got home. Soon, the crying became anger and the anger became so much that I couldn’t recognise myself. I didn’t use to be an angry person. I used to be a positive optimist who loved and embraced life–albeit with caution. I’ve become bitter.
I’ve been becoming more stable. I can get through most days without needing a 4 hour nap. When there is urgency in a task, I can get it done and then feel stressed after.
I still don’t have great coping mechanisms, which is what I need to work on. However, I have been able to find more humor in the stress. Instead of crying all the time, my stress relief has become laughter. That was a surprising change this week. It could possibly be a sign of insanity, but I’d rather see it as growth. Instead of everything stressing me out, I laugh at how dumb the stressful things are.
I can get up in the morning (not all mornings, but quite a few of them) without dreading being awake and aware. I can wash my face and put on my nice moisturizer, then get dressed and eat a real breakfast. I can handle the things I need to for the family business and be 100% professional and ON while working with customers. I might need a moment to de-anxiety myself after it, but I can do it.
What I really need to do is get my yoga stuff set up near my computer so I can have yoga/mindfulness breaks when I’m feeling distress.
I’m still figuring out what my goals are. I don’t know what I want out of life, but I want to figure that out.
The hymn “Lead Kindly Light” is a good focal point for me in this particular time of my life.
Keep thou my feet;
I do not ask to see the distant scene–
one step enough for me.
I need to have faith that the Lord will guide me. I have to take that step and remember that it’s enough. Any progress is progress. And I am progressing.
One last thought: I’m grateful for the friends and mentors I’ve had, whose words of encouragement and guidance keep fueling my desire to keep trying. It’d be harder without them.