Cookies and Caring

I used to be the person who provided both of those, but now I’m just a ball of anxiety and depression.

Some people from my church came by this afternoon to deliver a cookie and invite me to come to upcoming activities. I haven’t been to my YSA ward for a while and they were reaching out because I’ve been inactive. They meant well. My dad told them I wasn’t feeling well and that I wasn’t able to speak with anyone today.

What these strangers (I say strangers because I don’t know who came to see me) didn’t see from outside my house was a full on panic attack, had by a wild-eyed, greasy haired, pajama clad 24-year-old hiding under her desk while shaking and crying because her brother said he was going to bring them into the house, even after a request to let them know I wasn’t feeling well.

It might seem like I tend to over-share in some of my blog posts, while simultaneously not sharing anything about what’s really going on in my private life. I rarely post to Facebook and my Instagram is filled with pictures of our cats. My Twitter is a bit of a different story, but I still don’t share everything, because my reality isn’t a pretty picture right now. I’m struggling, a LOT, and I don’t want anyone to see just how much. That’s why I don’t share. That’s why it’s hard for me to go to church or other public outings right now.

Today reminded me about how I used to stress bake, then share whatever I baked with my friends and other neighbors or church members who were struggling with stress. My stress would turn into cookies and caring.

I used to be the person who provided both of those, but now I’m just a ball of anxiety and depression.

To the unknown friends who put forth effort to share with a girl who wouldn’t let them see her: Thank you. It isn’t your fault that I didn’t want to see you. I appreciate the gesture, even if I couldn’t handle it.

Scary as it may seem to me, I need to let you all in on my secret: I’m not okay right now. I don’t want to chat, or catch up with acquaintances, because I don’t have anything of value to share. I’m spending my time working enough for my brother to make my car payment, and that’s it. I’m not able to handle more than that right now. I don’t have some fantastic project I’m working on, I’m just struggling to get up in the morning. I take my mom to her doctor appointments and then I come home and sleep because I’m worn out from the driving and the not having an answer for her pain. I can’t fix her physical issues and then I can’t even be a good emotional support because I have no emotional energy. My emotional energy left a long time ago.

And it isn’t that I don’t care. It’s that I care too much. About everything. All the time. I worry, all the time.

Yes, I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve seen psychiatrists. I’ve been praying and reading my scriptures.

No, I’m not seeing a lot of progress. Yes, that worries me.

So, I’m sorry that I can’t go places. I’m sorry I don’t reach out. I just need time.

I hate that I’m so vulnerable right now and that I don’t have any kind of shield or filter to protect the raw nerves of my anxiety. I think I have to learn how to be okay with not being okay, and be okay with people knowing that I’m not okay.

Before we go and get too depressing, I do have days that are better than others. And I have days like today that are worse than others.

Thank you, for listening.

3 Comments

  1. Jan Jolley

    September 9, 2018 at 1:10 PM

    I hope you find relief from your stress and anxiety. I know it can be debilitating and scary, just please know you are surrounded with caring family. Those of us not family can offer quiet prayers for your relief and strength to fight your battles. Remember you are never alone in those battles. ❤️

  2. Miranda

    September 10, 2018 at 9:55 AM

    One thing that has helped me in battling my own demons is to remember that I am of value to Heavenly Father no matter how much I “accomplish” in a day. He loves you, all of you, your successes and your failures. You don’t have to qualify for His love, it is simply always there, no matter how much you feel like you’re not good enough.

    That said, it is wonderful that you are using your time to hold fast to the iron rod and your testimony, and working and serving your mother. I know how frustrating it is to not feel relief from the darkness even though you’re doing everything right, just remember that the darkness is not an indication of your worth or your worthiness. Keep trying, and happy days will come.

  3. Chelsea

    September 29, 2018 at 10:19 AM

    Praying for you, little sis! ❤

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