This post is somewhat somber, but still important to me. I usually try to have a clever way of telling my stories, but tonight’s post is a little different and a little more personal.
Since classes are about to start and because I have already begun my duties as a Resident Assistant, I have been thinking about the process about growing up a bit. Last year I had the privilege of living in my grandparent’s home with my brother. It was a hard, but good first year. I made some good decisions, some mistakes, a ton of friends, and quite a few memories that I will never forget. This year I am officially living on my own. I am self sufficient, which is pretty amazing to me. Yes, I still have my brother near by, but it isn’t the same. Also, since I am the RA on my floor, I am the one who is there when others need me; I am the adult. It is interesting to see the differences between myself and the incoming freshman class. There are some similarities, of course, but there are differences. I’ve always considered myself a calm person, but I realize now that I have calmed down quite a bit since last year. Perhaps that is because I am finally starting to figure things out.
When I first came to Brigham Young University as a freshman, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my time at college. At the very beginning, I wasn’t sure why I wanted to go to college, other than the fact that it was what I was “supposed” to do. It was hard in the very beginning, then slowly it became easier to adjust to life as a college student. It started to become what I did, instead of just what I was “supposed” to do. I think that I still had some of those feelings when I went home this summer. Winter was a hard semester for me, which made me question a lot of things. Why was I going to college? What do I really want to do with my life?
This summer was absolutely the best. I spent a lot of time with dear friends and made a ton of memories that I will always cherish. Coming back to school-to the Provo/BYU culture was a little scary, but I knew I needed to do it. Now that I am here, I am able to see things a little more clearly.
The major that I have decided to pursue is one that is extremely competitive. From what I understand, only 8 people were admitted the year before I came. I don’t always do well under stress, which is frightening to me. However, I was offered some great advice by a new friend I met while on a commercial shoot. He asked me why I was going into acting. He asked if I was doing it to impress someone. The idea of that was almost disgusting, but he made a really fantastic point that I think fits with a lot of things. Am I going into my major to impress someone? No. I am doing it for me, because that is what I want. He told me that I shouldn’t be worried about the audition process for the major. If I am doing it for me, than it shouldn’t matter what “they” think. Since I had that conversation, I have been feeling more secure in my decisions. I am not going to college to impress anyone. I am not here to prove that a home-schooled girl who was practically raised on a farm can be smart and make a name for herself. I am here because it is where I want to be. I need to be a college student right now. I need to learn and grow. Even if I don’t make it into the major that I hope, I can still be successful in whatever I set my mind to.
One of my inspirations/role models would be a girl named Elle Woods. Though fictional, she has always been able to remind me that I can do whatever I want in this world. She may have gone to law school in order to regain her Warner, but in the end she found true happiness in the world of law. She understood it in her own sparkly pink way and she took that fictional world by storm. She didn’t let other people’s opinions stop her from pursuing her goal.
Likewise, there are a lot of people who don’t understand my passion for the arts. I love singing and I love acting. I just want to do what I love for the rest of my life. I know that I can do that with or without a degree, but the training I am receiving is invaluable to me. I get to take fun classes and have fun. I am intelligent and that is one of the reasons I want to act. As an actress or an actor, one gets to try on many hats. They may not have a full knowledge of something, but the character they portray does have an upper hand in that knowledge. In that moment of putting on someone else’s ideas and thoughts, I get to experience and learn something new every time I act, even if it is the same role.
However, I am not naive. I know that I may not make the cut this time. Oddly, that doesn’t bother me so much. What scares me is that I would have to figure out what thing out of the thousands of things I am interested in to put my focus on. In the event that I am not accepted into the Acting major, I don’t believe that I will continue with a theatre major. I would, perhaps, switch to a theatre minor and major in something like Philosophy, History, Anthropology, or English. I do know that I want to go through more schooling than just my undergraduate studies, so law school is a possibility on my list. A friend once asked me if I wanted to go into politics, to which I responded that there was less drama in theatre. However, I may be interested in becoming a lawyer. Sometimes BYU law school seems pretty appealing to me. I still don’t really have a full grasp on what I want to do when I grow up, but I do know that having a family of my very own is on the itinerary.
This week I have been thinking about how much I have grown this last year. There may only be a year’s difference between 18 and 19, but there is a world’s difference between 18 and 19.5. I am almost no longer a teenager. The idea of that is scary for me. If you were around me when I was 15, you would probably remember that I did not want to ever be 16. Growing up was frightening to me. Now, I am learning how to embrace that fear. It isn’t that I am afraid to grow up, it’s that I am afraid I may like it more than being a kid.
By the end of this year, my goal is to know what I will be majoring in and what I want to do with that major. I have a few goals, but that is one that I find near the top of my list. When I have that steady direction in my life, I feel more secure and ready for the next step in this grand adventure we call life. Will it be hard? Extremely. Will I have times when I still have doubts about my future? Absolutely. Am I excited? More than you could even know.
I may be the next Reese Witherspoon, or I may end up as the real Elle Woods (Without the blonde hair;). Whatever my journey may be, I know that I am not alone. I have a loving Heavenly Father who is there to guide and protect me. Life is sweet and I plan to enjoy every sour moment of it!