Sometimes stuff hits the fan, but then it gets a little better
Where to start? The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions and learning experiences. I’ve been quieter on Facebook and other social media lately because I wasn’t really sure how to address all of the changes I’ve faced recently. Until now.
At the end of Winter semester, I was the most stressed out I have ever been. I felt like my world was slowly crashing in on me and that I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself out of the depression cycle I fell into. Stuff at home wasn’t great, my face was covered in acne, I was afraid I was going to flunk out of college, and my dating life took me by surprise- in a not-so-great way.
Thankfully, most of that has changed. Some things are still difficult, but I have a better perspective on how life works because of it. Things, people, faces, and situations all change. And that change is usually for the better.
Let’s start off talking about my face:
|2010 Selfie- 16 years old|
When I was a teenager, I hardly ever had acne. Occasionally an unsightly zit would pop up, but it would go away fairly quickly.
|No make up selfie from earlier this year|
However, when I got to college, my face decided to become a monster, creating painful scars that hurt my ego more than my face, although it was painful.
Today, I have been on medication for a while to treat the acne and the hormone imbalance the doctors found was causing it. My face isn’t 100% better, but it is SO much more clear than it was a few months ago.
My relationship with my immediate family is really good. My parents and my brothers are absolutely my favorite people in the world! Unfortunately, my relationship with my extended family on my mom’s side (well, my family’s relationship with them) took a really bad turn.
It all started when my grandmother (who had been living with us) went semi-insane. I won’t go into all the details because of how personal the situation is, but she did and said things to hurt my family and to try and manipulate us to fight each other. She wasn’t happy living with us, so instead of just leaving, she tried to evict us from our own home and to spread lies about us. To make a VERY long and messy story short, a lawsuit was had, we won the house, and she left with $15k. The real kicker is that she still continues to spread lies about how we “stole her house,” when it was ours to begin with. My uncles picked her side, so it’s basically like that side of the family no longer exists-with the exception of one cousin and her family who didn’t get involved with any of it.
Through all of this, my mom’s health has been declining. She has fibromyalgia, arthritis in both hips, only one working vocal cord, and a multitude of other health issues. She’s been going to better doctors lately, but things are still really hard. Since she’s my mom and my best friend, this has been harder on me than I’d like to admit. She’s always been- and still is- Wonder Woman to me.
|Me and my Momma! 2010|
Dealing with the degeneration of her mother’s mind and with the hurtful things Louise said and did was not easy. My mom has done nothing but love her mother unconditionally. Even now, all my mom can say is that she hopes Louise will find happiness wherever she moved to. All of us have chosen to have the same way of thinking in that. We all also have decided to never let that woman back into our lives.
|Amanda’s Wedding. 2015|
A few good things at home were centered around marriages! The brother that I am closest with was sealed in the Dallas temple early in the summer, and my best friend was sealed to her hubby in the same place at the end of summer. Those changes were difficult for me to adjust to (not having most of their attention), but things are really good and I am so extremely happy for them all.
|Andrew & Gabby’s Wedding. 2015|
Dating life. Okay, so this one is even more touchy…
I fell in love for the first time. I also had my heart truly broken for the first time.
Falling in love took a little while (about 2 years, to be exact), but having my heart ripped open took about 30 seconds.
I won’t share all the details, because I don’t want his name to be tarnished for whoever might read this (including him).
I will say that after he told me he didn’t love me, I realized that I had been led on. I don’t know if it was intentional on his end, or not. Maybe he just liked the attention he got from me and didn’t realize that my heart was really in it.
It stings when a person you thought loved you doesn’t have those feelings that you felt for them. Every day it gets a little easier to deal with the reality that something I spent so much time on is gone, thankfully, but I still hurt. I can’t deny that I still have feelings for him. I also can’t deny that those feelings are very mixed and that I really don’t want much to do with him now. He lost my respect.
And still, after everything that has happened, I want him to be happy. I want him to grow up and be the man that I know he can be. One day- IF he gains enough maturity and common sense- he will be an amazing husband and father.
What does this all mean now? What is it that I realized about myself that gave me new perspective?
The crap doesn’t have to matter. Yes, I’ve been hurt in so many different ways. Yes, I’ve seen people that I love turn into selfish monsters and others that I held too high of expectations for fall short of my ideals for them. Yes, acne SUCKS.
|Selfie. Today. 2015|
When you think you know the direction your life is headed and then it does a 180 on you, it is really easy to get disoriented and forget why you are really on this earth. TO LEARN. TO GROW. And that’s exactly why I’m here. That’s why I’ve had these awful experiences. Because I needed to learn more about myself and to learn how to rely on God more.
I may not know what’s in store for me this year at school. I kinda hate not knowing what’s going to happen to me. However, I know that God has a plan for me. Since it doesn’t look like I get to be the one with the road map for my life right now, the best I can do is have faith that he will guide me in the right direction as I try to do what I know to be right. Even when I have no idea where I’m going, or what I’m doing there. I’m still learning, but one day I might just figure it out.
For now, I’ll leave you with this little gem from Bruce C. Hafen:
“If we are not willing to grapple with the frustration that comes from facing bravely the uncertainties we encounter, we may never develop the kind of spiritual maturity that is necessary for our ultimate preparations.”
It gets better when we do.